An Old Foe

It is so mysterious how all the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and environmental aspects of a life converge together to create each unique human being. If the tiniest of things had changed, a meeting that never happened, a conversation that turned a different way, something about the individual could forever be altered. Each factor plays on the other. A physical prediliction might remain dormant if not for an environmental or emotional factor. However, none of us knows really who we might have been if some factor had changed in our past. Anxiety is an old issue for me. I believe it to be a physical prediliction..something missing in the chemicals of my brain that make me prone to it. Medicine helps to keep it under control, up to a point. I think a serious of events in my life; betrayals of trust, dysfunctional relationships, and the handful of times my anxiety turned out to be justified have combined at times to help it flare out of control. It has been a part of who I am as long as I can remember. As a child and a young adult, it seemed that the things that made me anxious were reasonable, even when they obviously were not. When I remember keeping my husband up all night once in the 80's because I was certain the Russians were sending missiles to blow us all up, I cringe with embarrassment. Not because I was afraid and anxious, but because I thought my fear was reasonable. Although I have lived with anxiety for over 50 years, it still sneaks up on me. It starts like a suspicion. A look, gesture, or comment out of place and my mind seizes on it. At the time, it doesn't seem abnormal to be concerned. Then as it turns over in my mind, I think of all the possible reasons for whatever it is I have noticed, and when I finally hit on one that seems to explain and validate my concerns, I fixate on it until I have to confront it. The fear of confrontation is not as great as the fear of continuing to live with the uncertainty of whether or not the anxiety is justified. I don't know why that scares me, accept that sometimes I really do feel like I am crazy. Confronting the fear helps me to come back to normalcy. The first 45 years or so of my life I was not medicated, and my family lived through the anxiety with me. It did affect everyone around me, positively and negatively. Most of my siblings seem to think of me as a silly woman because of it. One sibling understands, as he fights the same demons. My husband has been wonderful about it since the beginning. He sat through many any all nighter with me, keeping me company until the sun came up and the fears dissipated. Darkness makes the anxiety worse, as does separation. It starts as I said, as a suspicion, and I don't recognize what is coming until it is too late. It hits me in the stomach, like someone punched me. Sometimes I have doubled over with the force of the sick feeling in my stomach. The fear grabs ahold, especially if I have not had my medication. The medication makes it bearable, but sometimes just barely. Sometimes I do recognize it and I go to bed after taking something to help me sleep. If I can shut my brain off with a few hours of sleep, I can avoid the obsessive part of the cycle. I do not always recognize it. It is sneaky. Sometimes it still seems to be a reasonable concern when it first starts. If I don't recognize it early on and get caught up in the throes of it, I will not recognize it until I say or do something that affects someone close to me in a negative way. I become that person that hangs on a little too tight, wanting more from others than they have the capacity to give. Other times I may be the person that questions another's motives, or become so fearful that I have to "go underground" for a while, just not deal with anyone except a very few, completely trusted individuals. Even so, I am fortunate. As a child, I could not communicate the anxiety I felt. I could not explain to anyone why I was afraid. At that time, problems such as this were not really well understood even if I had been able to explain. Still, I was loved by enough people that I managed to survive into adulthood. Once I met my husband, I began to experience what it meant to be able to confide in someone and not have them tell me I was silly. The man sat up with me so many nights, playing cards, or scrabble, watching tv, or talking, anything to keep my mind off the fears that were crowding in on me. I truly believe that his patience, and the exhaustion of being a new mother are the two factors that helped me along the road to being able to cope with the anxiety. Sometimes, I was so tired, I was just too tired to be afraid! I am sure that as my children grew, the anxiety I felt affected them adversely. I know that there were times I was out of control anxious in regards to both my children, particularly when they hit young adulthood and began the process of separating from me. But having lived with me all their lives, they both also came away with an understanding that this anxiety thing was not totally within my control, and have as adults been very patient with their mother. They both married and their spouse also try to be patient, although it is a harder thing for them to really understand. Both of my children also suffer from some anxiety and sometimes I wonder if I had gotten help for myself and for them earlier, if it could have been avoided. I don't know how much of an affect earlier intervention would have had, and I will never know. What I do know now is that this old foe is part of who I was, and has helped to make me who I am. A fear of being hurt has lead to not wanting to hurt. A fear of being alone has led to wanting to let others know they are not alone. Recently a fear I have had is of losing my husband, and it has made me cherish him and try to appreciate every moment I have with him. It has led me to want to protect those in whom I recognize the same prediliction toward anxiety, to walk with them through it, until they can feel comfortable in whatever situation they find themselves in. This old foe still brings out the worst in me at times, but it has also had a hand at developing the best in me.